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Sudden illness
It might be physical or mental, but a sudden and serious illness can bring about a re-evaluation of what’s important in someone’s life or whether you can cope as a couple. Seeking external support to try to navigate this life change, such as seeing a counsellor or reaching out to a charity that provides support for that illness, can help you find a way forward together to face your new future.
Separation in these circumstances can be devastating for the person left behind but, if the person who is not ill is the one doing the leaving, there is also for that person the twin burden of guilt over leaving and fear of what others will think of them.
These days, dementia is increasingly a factor as our population ages. Not only must the parties deal with the complex emotional fall-out, they must also grapple with the financial challenges which inevitably go with a diagnosis of dementia – in addition to the financial challenges that go with applying for divorce.
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Sharing your home with an outsider
Now that our parents are living longer, their care is of increasing concern to us and, in some cases, one party to a relationship wants to have their aged parent move into the family home. This can put a huge amount of additional strain on a relationship.
If this is something you or your partner are considering, you should make sure you discuss it fully and openly together before proceeding. It’s essential that you both buy in. Not only that, it’s essential to have some ground rules first. Set your boundaries. Make sure that it’s always you two working as a team together. Make double sure you maintain communication at all times, and be kind.
There may be all sorts of financial entanglements to be considered, too. If the parent is going to invest money into the family home – perhaps so that an annex can be built – take advice as to whether that means the parent will take part-ownership of the house and what should happen to the investment if you and your partner separate.
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Coming out
We are fortunate to be living in relatively enlightened times, but that wasn’t always the case. It wasn’t – and indeed still isn’t – always safe to live your best life. Also, understanding and accepting who you truly are can be overwhelming. That’s why for many people they don’t or can’t come out until later in life – whether that be coming out as gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, queer or trans.
Phillip Schofield was of course a high-profile example. He was married for many years, with two adult daughters before he came out as gay. It can be traumatic for the person coming out, finally facing their fears and revealing who they really are. Will they be accepted? Or will they lose everything?
But it can be equally or more traumatic for the partner. Was their marriage a complete lie? Did the other person ever really love them? Will they ever find love again?
Some people manage to work through it. For them, gender and sexuality might be of lesser importance than it is to others. It’s the person inside they love, and staying together is a testament to that. It takes bravery and dedication on both sides – and a whole lot of honesty.
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Loss of a child
The most awful event any parent could imagine. It’s hard to see how anyone could get over it. Indeed, such parents describe learning to live with it; they never get over it.
It’s easy to think that at a time like that, the parents need each other; they must stay together because no-one will understand the grief quite like the other does.
Tragically, it often proves to trigger the end of a relationship. Unimaginable pain can cause withdrawal, leading to a breakdown in communication. Loneliness leads to silence and separation.
Of course, applying for divorce might be the right outcome – who’s to judge anyone in these circumstances – but expert help can provide the scaffolding for renewed communication. Talking may just be the glue that keeps you together.
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Tax evasion or other serious crime
You might be leading a quiet life, living comfortably, totally in the dark about your partner’s business dealings. What if he’s not declaring his income – either cash under the counter or money spirited away offshore to secret bank accounts? Sooner or later, the government might come calling and they will want what’s theirs.
Not only might you lose your home, you can no longer pay the fees for your children’s school and the partner you’ve depended on all these years has, quite frankly, got other problems to think about, like the length of their sentence. You’re isolated, rudderless and completely devastated.
It’s important to seek support in these circumstances. In addition to a divorce lawyer and counsellor, you might need the services of a lawyer who’s expert in dealing with confiscation orders for the recovery by government agencies of the proceeds of crime.
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Gambling or other addiction
Addiction can be a terrible force to reckon with in any relationship. Addicts can be secretive, manipulative and habitual liars. To the incomprehension of everyone else, they might be unable to prioritise anything above the subject of their addiction, be it gambling, alcohol, porn or whatever. This doesn’t mean the addict is a bad person. If they were truly able to choose, they would choose a life free from addiction; one in which they are a good parent, partner, co-worker.
Their partner may understand all of this, but it takes its toll. After repeated assurances that they have “given up”, that they are on the wagon, sober, clean and working the program, the lies will begin again. Their partner is living life effectively as a single parent. The addict is simply unable to show up.
Even worse are those cases in which the addiction leads to financial breakdown. The alcoholic may lose their job and be unable to pay the mortgage. The gambler may stake everything they have on a ‘safe’ bet. The coke addict may spend everything they have and more on their next fix. Eventually, the relationship is in tatters and the other partner needs to do whatever they can to salvage the wreckage of whatever financial security there may be. This might lead you to apply for divorce.
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Unexpected wealth
You – or your partner – might inherit a decent amount of money. You might think that this is going to make all the difference to your retirement. But your inheriting partner may think otherwise. They may decide that this is the point at which they can exit the relationship without totally destroying everything and leaving you homeless. Or, if they’re of a more selfish disposition, they’ve got the money, it’s theirs and they’re off, before you get your hands on any of it.
An inheritance, or a lottery win, or a gift from a generous friend or relative – even if it arrives at the end of a relationship – will not automatically be excluded from the divorce accounting, so the lucky recipient may be disappointed.
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A secret family
Whilst unusual, this does crop up from time to time. A couple may have been together for years, only for the wife to discover that he has a whole secret life going on, and it’s been going on for much of their marriage – another woman and at least one other child.
The victim of such circumstances will inevitably feel betrayed, but she might also feel embarrassed and ashamed, although she has nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. She may feel that she has been a fool, that everyone knew except her. Sooner or later, she is bound to be angry!
Competing financial claims can add an extra layer of complexity on divorce and through no fault of hers, the wife might find that there isn’t enough to go round for both her kids and the other kids, and the other kids will be treated with parity because of course it’s not their fault. They too are innocent victims.
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One of them is already married
Bigamy is an imprisonable offence, but it does happen, even though some might say it’s easier to get divorced than it is to get married. Other veterans of marriage might ask why anyone would want to get married once, let alone twice!
A client of mine had a lucky escape when she showed me the decree absolute her fiancé had given her to prove that his first marriage had ended in divorce. The decree absolute was fake – he was still married, living with his wife and expecting his first grandchild.
But if they had got married and later divorced, she would have had the same financial claims against him as if the marriage was perfectly legal. Perhaps academic, if he’s by then spending time at His Majesty’s convenience, which is quite likely.
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Empty nest syndrome
So your youngest child has finally left for university, or got their first flat or whatever. You breathe a sigh of relief together as you congratulate yourselves on having made it this far, and look forward to doing all the things you’d planned when you were younger.
But oh dear. You discover you’ve nothing left in common. You no longer want to do the same things. Without the constant requests for food and new trainers you have only each other to focus on. And you each realise how annoying the other person is. And that you’ve nothing left to say.
After a long marriage, this can come as an unwelcome surprise. It could still be fixed. Nothing bad has happened and you may simply have got lost in the years of childcare. Maybe, with a bit of outside help, you could reignite the flame that brought you together in the first place. If not, then expert legal assistance can help you to unravel your financial affairs whilst preserving whatever is left of your relationship.
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Unwanted pets
We all love our dog, right? Or, for the benefit of the cat lovers, we all love our feline friends. Indeed, we all think that ours is the best dog in the world. And of course, we are all right!
Except that not everyone loves our dog. You might enter a new relationship and find that the other person can’t stand Fido, or is even scared of your faithful friend. It might be a case even of new romance or Fido. You look into Fido’s trusting brown eyes. Of course, it’s always going to be the dog.
For the other person, that may come as a hugely unwelcome shock. If you don’t love animals, you just don’t get it. The dog-lover might come across as completely unreasonable or even mad.
It’s best to be up-front about this from the start. Either one person must learn to live with fishy breath and a constant appetite for treats, or the other must give up on the love of their life. Either way, there’s plenty of room for resentments and so communication is vital.
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Menopause
This is another later-in-life shocker. It can creep up in a stealthy but gently swelling tide of night sweats and constant diets, or it can hit like a ten ton truck of rage, grief, anxiety and depression. The symptoms of menopause are so diverse and so numerous that it can be difficult to spot for what it is. A woman suffering from menopause may become a stranger even to herself, let alone her partner. It can be confusing for both of them.
As with all the above examples, communication is absolutely key. Thankfully, we talk about menopause now, and the awareness of its symptoms and impact has increased exponentially. Doctors are more informed and, with the right care, symptoms can be alleviated or might even disappear completely. It will pass.
However, as she enters a new phase of her life, it may signal new priorities for her, and so it will often be a time for taking stock. Keep talking. But if the relationship really has come to an end and you want to apply for divorce, expert legal advice will help you to bring things to a conclusion with kindness and integrity.
Conclusion
If you find yourself at the end of your relationship and you think you might apply for divorce, whether in any of the circumstances considered above, or for any other reason, please consider taking expert legal advice to ensure that your needs are properly considered.
At DMH Stallard, we take a holistic approach to our client’s needs. We understand that it’s not always about getting the most out of any financial deal; it’s not necessarily about “winning”. Our clients are our people and we will listen to what is important to you. Alongside expert advice, we will provide empathy and support, no matter what the circumstances of your case.
If you need help to apply for divorce, or are worried you might be heading in that direction and need advice, contact our divorce lawyers or call 03333 231580.
